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He Wants Me to Move In…Should I?

Michael Fiore 12-17

Mollie asks…

I met my boyfriend online. He winked at me and we went from there. We have sent many weekends together whilst my ex has the kids and we have had a bawl.

Now after 3 months he wants me and the kids to move in with him and I’m thinking I’d like to give it a go. He has met my kids and he seemed to hit it off with them really well. He grew up in a family where he helped his Mum raise his 2 younger twin bros so he knows how chaotic family life can be. I’ve met his close friends and family also. I’m giving this a real shot and I figure nothing ventured nothing gained.

Fear only holds you back. Just cause I’m a single parent does not mean that I dont exist any longer.” —Mollie

Hey Mollie,

Thanks for your question. Also, thank you for misspelling “ball” in “We had a bawl.”

Now I’m imagining you and your boyfriend getting together once a week to watch a flick and CRY jilted brides left at the altar.

OK, I’ve got a LOT to say about your question (including why you’re giving FEAR a bad name) so let’s get to it in handy-dandy numbered order.

1. “Just cause I’m a single parent does not mean I don’t exist any longer.”

Totally right. Being a single parent is brutal, time-stealing, rewarding, awful, wonderful and hard but it should in no way be a death sentence for your social life or your own dreams. Especially if your ex is a good dad who actually takes the kids off your hands sometimes and frees you up to go parasailing (or whatever it is you like to do.)

Also, if being a single parent made you not exist anymore then your kids wouldn’t have a mom anymore. And that would be bad.

2. Online Dating – Incredibly powerful if done right and there are some awesome guys out there in online world.

Here’s a SECRET: Right now as you read this 100 women just like you are beta testing my new “Online Allure Formula” program that shows you how to meet great men online. No, you can’t join the beta. Yes, you’ll hear all about this program very soon.

3. No way in hell you should move in with this guy.

Here’s the deal, Mollie: I think deep down in your heart you know that moving in with this guy this soon is a BAD idea.

I mean, it’s great that he seems to like you so much, that he likes kids and that he seems downright eager to have “Family In A Box” delivered to his door . . .

BUT . . .

Even though you’ve met his friends.

Even though he makes your toes tingle and your lips yearn.

Even though it’s pretty darned great to get to have orgasms again.

You don’t know this guy AT ALL. And you have NO IDEA where things are going to go in the next 3 months, never mind the next 30 years.

My guess is that you’re writing in to me because you want me to say “Yes, go for it! Fear is silly! Love conquers all!”

And I’m not going to.

Because in this case you’re confusing “Fear” with “A rational amount of caution and common sense that keeps you from getting killed or ending up homeless in 3 months with kids who keep asking where their new daddy went.”

I look both ways before crossing the street not because I’m “scared” of getting hit by a car, but because IF I DON’T LOOK THERE’S A PRETTY GOOD CHANCE I COULD GET HIT BY A CAR. (Because, you know, streets have cars on them. It’s like, what streets are for.)

Now, is it POSSIBLE this guy is awesome and sincere and the man you’ve been looking for your entire life and that he’s going to build a white picket fence around your heart and keep you and your kids happy for decades and decades to come?

Sure. Yes.

But it’s also possible that he’s _________ artist trying to ________ your __________.

Or that he’s going to _____________ your ____________ right in the __________ while singing _________ even though Christmas is still THREE FREAKING MONTHS AWAY.

Stuff happens. Awful stuff happens. Awful stuff often happens to women because they WANT that connection and safety so damned much and there’s a SMALL number of men out there who take advantage of you for it.

Am I saying you should ASSUME he’s Robert Dinero from “Cape Fear?”

Not at all.

But you also shouldn’t bury your head in the sand.

He’s PROBABLY a really good guy (though you might wake up in a few months and realize you just don’t love him.)

He MIGHT be a great guy . . .

But . . .

It’s been 3 months. That’s a college semester. Nowhere near long enough to know if you should trust this guy with your kids or even if you should trust this guy with yourself.

Actually, if you listen to DRR, you know that Nora has VERY strong opinions on this subject.

In fact, she says that a guy you’re dating shouldn’t even MEET your kids unless:

1. It’s “serious.”
2. It’s been “serious” for at least 6 months.
3. You’re heading towards marriage and / or life partnerhood.

Because kids get ATTACHED to people.

And if you jump off this cliff without a parachute you’re risking them too.

So here’s EXACTLY what you should do . . .

1. Keep dating the guy.

He seems to make you happy. The fact that he wants you to move in so soon is a little bit weird, but it’s necessarily a deal killer.

2. Tell him “I love that you’re feeling what I’m feeling and want to take this further, but it’s just too early.

If we’re still feeling the way we are now when we’ve been dating for a year we can talk about moving in.”

3. Relax.

Enjoy your time with your new man. Keep the kids out of it for now. Live.

Got it?

Good!


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